By Sujatha Jesudason, Executive Director
If and when to take a sabbatical is never an easy question to answer. By the time most of us contemplate the option we are already burnt out and our decision-making compromised. I only entertained the notion when I found myself crying before work every day for several months and realized that I was showing up in the shadow side of my leadership (urgent, impatient, authoritative, abrasive and unkind) more often than as my best self. And, I was lucky enough to be doing the Rockwood Yearlong Leadership at this point, otherwise I might have kept going - without realizing that crying and harshness are not what leadership should look or feel like.
If and when to take a sabbatical is never an easy question to answer. By the time most of us contemplate the option we are already burnt out and our decision-making compromised. I only entertained the notion when I found myself crying before work every day for several months and realized that I was showing up in the shadow side of my leadership (urgent, impatient, authoritative, abrasive and unkind) more often than as my best self. And, I was lucky enough to be doing the Rockwood Yearlong Leadership at this point, otherwise I might have kept going - without realizing that crying and harshness are not what leadership should look or feel like.
When I raised the possibility of a future sabbatical, my CoreAlign team was amazing – they were pleased and supportive, and they all stepped up in a multitude of ways to make the sabbatical a reality in a relatively short amount of time. Sarah, my deputy director, was particularly instrumental – her commitment and work made all the difference. It took several months for the whole team to prepare with a sabbatical coach, and it took me a few weeks into the sabbatical to be quit of all external work related commitments. All told, I got 2.5 months to do absolutely nothing.
As I reflect on my time away from work, I’m struck by what a mundanely magical time it was. I slept, I walked, I cooked, I was kinder to my partner, I reconnected with friends, I attended a silent meditation retreat, I read fiction, I exercised. I stopped eating sugar and processed foods to manage stress and overwhelm. I discovered the yumminess of cooking at home in California. I just got to be - with no appointments to keep, no need to be “on,” no decisions to make, and no needs to meet.
As I reflect on my time away from work, I’m struck by what a mundanely magical time it was. I slept, I walked, I cooked, I was kinder to my partner, I reconnected with friends, I attended a silent meditation retreat, I read fiction, I exercised. I stopped eating sugar and processed foods to manage stress and overwhelm. I discovered the yumminess of cooking at home in California. I just got to be - with no appointments to keep, no need to be “on,” no decisions to make, and no needs to meet.
Moonrise over my silent meditation and yoga retreat.
I felt myself unwind, slowly. I rediscovered who I am when I’m not under stress, when there is no demand to produce, when I don’t need to be there for others. I found that I liked myself more and disappointed myself less. I discovered a sense of spaciousness in my body, mind and heart.
If I were to share some lessons from the entire experience, these are some of the thoughts that I’ve ruminated on while away and in the process of coming back.
- This sabbatical for me was both wonderfully humbling and liberating. If I ever thought I was indispensable to my organization, I now have evidence that they kept the train on the track for a third of the year without me. This realization makes me both more appreciative of all the work they can and did do, and it gives me more space to be more strategic about what I pick up now that I’m back. I’m determining my workload less by habit and poor (stressed out) discernment, and more by looking at the strengths of my team and where I’m best deployed.
- Leaders tend to burn out for one of two very different reasons: either their workload is crushing or they are not working in/on their personal purpose enough; they are doing work that is not aligned with their passion and vision. For me it was a combination – I discovered that I had been operating out of a survival and sacrifice model. In my mind, working for a more just world required a survival mode and that I had to make personal sacrifices for this better world. I’ve given up that old operating system for good! Now I’m looking for the moments and pieces of joy and purpose that can fuel my work, help me make better decisions, stay in my best self, and that can keep renewing my resilience. Three weeks back on the job, I’m not totally clear what my bigger purpose and passion is, but I’m finding pieces of it in the day-to-day work in a much more sustainable way.
- As good as the sabbatical was for me personally, it seems to have been an equally significant learning opportunity for the staff and organization. As the executive director and founder of CoreAlign, I know I cast a big shadow. This was an opportunity for everybody to step into their leadership and own the work more. They grew it in directions I wouldn’t have thought of - they relied on their own judgement, worked together collaboratively, and made decisions without checking with me. This isn’t to say that it was all easy peasy for them. Unforeseen challenges, tensions and conflicts emerged, ruptures happened, and some of the repairs are still going on. They learned more about themselves and each other. To the extent that growth and organizational development requires some discomfort and tension, they and the organization most definitely went through a growth spurt!
I’ve come back to work with a sense of spaciousness and openness – I’m more open to my team’s leadership, to new opportunities and possibilities, and to how the work can transform and take shape. I feel like I have an internal well of patience, energy, kindness, appreciation, discernment and enthusiasm to draw on in the short and long-term.
So far the best part of being back has been the mountains of appreciation from my CoreAlign team. They are so pleased to have me back and I’ve never felt so valued and appreciated in my leadership. They even serenaded me with Beyoncé’s Countdown song the week before I was due back.
I’m so deeply grateful to them for this amazing gift – I hope the impact of it will continue to ripple out and benefit me, them, and the organization for a long time to come. I’m also grateful for my Rockwood Leadership program and cohort, for helping me realize that I was in a deep, dark hole and for showing me a way out.
I highly recommend a sabbatical for all leaders and all organizations at some point in the journey. We all benefit from it in big, small, amazing and unexpected ways.
This is one of a pair of blog posts reflecting on Sujatha's sabbatical. Read Deputy Director Sarah Frankfurth's reflection here.